I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
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She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
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Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize