my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
