you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
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Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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