This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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