Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
