I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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