For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
