just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
