i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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