I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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