i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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