like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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