it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
