My entire life is one complicated drinking game
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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