Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
sarcasm needs its own font
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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