So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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