He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
