Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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