did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
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Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
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you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
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