The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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