Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Randomize
