tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
