got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
