Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch