my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
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just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
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How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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