return my video game
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
sex in a hospital.. check
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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