i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Randomize