dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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