The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
