I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
well you can't waste a boner
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
