Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
