Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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