Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize