i'm signing you up for texting rehab
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
