new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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