wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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