so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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