I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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