o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
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Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
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i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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