According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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