I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
