So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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