saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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