he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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