She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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