You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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