she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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