you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
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What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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