God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
