Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
