The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
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good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
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Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.