Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Someone came in the potted fern
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again