i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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