we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
