Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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