Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
