In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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