I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
